By John Hirschmann

In response to the need for more equitable, diverse, and inclusive courses the California Schools RRR (Reimagining, Resist, and Reparations) Project has proudly released a preview of a few new courses for Fall, 2021. All schools are encouraged to create courses similar to those showcased here to help stamp out the hateful and harmful Supremacism that currently infects our State campuses.

Fat Is Fab

(Satisfies a new California law requiring a Fat Studies elective)

Critical Weight TheOry will dispel myths perpetuated by “White Science” that has waged an Oppressive and hurtful “War On Fat,” and has marginalized fatness as shameful Or unhealthy instead Of encOuraging it tO flOurish as an IntersectiOnal preference. Reading will include seminal wOrks in Fat Studies: Lesbian’s Guide TO Gaining 100 POunds in 99 Days by Bec-Bec Walders; White Lies and Health Fairy Tales On the Virtues Of Being Slim by Kwan JOhn JacksOn; and EnwOkenment ThrOugh GastrOnOmic Indulgence by Reverend Bertha Heaves. Students will be challenged tO develOp a unique diet that will accelerate weight gain. Recipes cOntaining high fat and cOpiOus quantities Of chOlesterOl, as well as exceedingly calOrie rich fast fOOds will be explOred. Once a week we will have an in-class hOt dOg eating cOntest with the winner receiving a $50 gift card tO McDOnalds (runners-up whO eat at least 69 hOt dOgs will receive $20 gift cards). Fifty-percent Of the final grade will be based On weight gain Over the term (One grade pOint per 10% bOdy weight imprOvement). A final term paper will require attentiOn tO three articulatiOns: 1)  RejectiOn Of the anti-rOtund cOlOnizing white bOdy . 2) The jOyOus rediscOvery Of One’s rebOrn bOdy image in the cOntext Of manifOld fOlds, creases and jiggles. 3) The emergence Of a persOnal philOsOphical strategy tO reshape the the wOrld in One’s Own image.  

Pan-Sectionality 101

Admitting the indisputable truth of gender viscosity and intersectional fluidity, it is time to expand and explore truths far beyond “white truths” that have enslaved us for millennia. Pan-sectionality posits that all life and (so-called) non-life intersects. Professor Zeniqua Jones, gender-non-proto-binary multidimensionalist—pronouns: theybe/theygots, except zeebeejee/zeebeejab on the day of Venus (Fridays)— has spent 20 years coming out of the pan-sectional closet of age, race, species, imaginary beasts, planetary origin and divinity. Theybe is a 6 year old Asian womanoid with a 14″ black unicorn’s penis, a bleach-brown anus (69 millennia old) of divine origin from the planet Zeebeejuju. Theybe traces theygots lineage back to infinity which emerged from a divine black hole called Afrovenusia. Students will be guided into realms of reality greater and more significant than the false white reality of today’s dying planet Earth. Transcendental techniques of cancelling whiteness will be ruthlessly explored. The art of victim-embracement, safespacing, fluidmorphing and viscomorphing will be emphasized. The final project will require students to come out of their own pan-sectional closets and embrace Professor Jones “Queen of Universe Segment ZBG3” as the Messiah of the coming Age of the Colorful Black and Brown Rainbow.

Cancelling the Self 101

We will challenge the concept of “self” as a sacroscant component of human existence. Emerging LGBTQIABCXYZKKK+ scholarship has demonstrated that “self” and the accompanying question “Who am I?” is a so-called concept, an invention of the white-gaze turned ego-maniacally inward; a hateful, narcissistic and obsessive trope of white privilege, white supremacy, white fragility, and white dystopianism. In this class techniques that have traditionally been used to cancel others will be directed toward cancelling the self. Students will be required to delete social media accounts, re-imagine techniques for self-loathing, devise methods of starvation and engage in extreme forms of self-harm (examples: cutting, de-nailing, self-strangulation, ice water enemas, nipple clamping, foot roasting, rat or other rodent torture, anal-electrocution, and—for males or females with testicles—balls-garroting). Students will also be required to find pitiable ways of getting fired from jobs, should they have one, and find inventive means of irreversibly estranging family and friends. There will be daily exercises in groveling for forgiveness, followed by many opportunities to accept that no forgiveness will ever be given.  All these myriad humiliations we hope to master before proceeding to the final solution (final exam).  Students are encouraged to find novel modalities for the act of final cancellation (conventionally termed “suicide”). Abject dedication, lack of hesitation, rapidity of method, the spectacular nature of self-hatred and dramatic excellence demonstrated in the finale of white black-out, which must be performed in front of the class, will count for 50% of the class grade. (NO PEOPLE OF COLOR ALLOWED TO TAKE THIS CLASS. However, students of color are welcome and encouraged to witness the final solution).