Honestly, we can’t ever remember stepping into a racist restaurant, and probably neither, dear reader, can you. Whether it’s Thai, or Mexican, or Peruvian, hardly a restaurant turns away a polite, paying customer, especially since Covid—when nearly half of them are scraping by just to meet rent. Still, The Social Justice mob has convinced Yelp to convince itself that Racism is so prevalent in eateries that special action must be taken. Hence, from here on out a warning label will be placed next to any restaurant listed on Yelp that is accused of Racism. Didn’t get your shish-kebob cooked to pink perfection? Maybe that Armenian owner (who also chain smokes cigarettes right in front of the door, disgusting!) has it out for you because you once asked him if the restaurant was Lebanese. You had to send that chicken curry back to the kitchen three times because it wasn’t spicy enough!!! Perhaps your white complexion fed the waitresses’ “unconscious bias” that you couldn’t handle heat? Notice how that Thai joint down the street had no Latinos serving, but half a dozen of them were fucking bussing tables? In the future, we imagine, Yelp reviewers themselves will get “labelled” as racists for not frequenting the likes of Roscoe’s Chickens and Waffles.
Fire ’em up coach! Wait, I meant, toss coach on the fire! High five!
We enjoy irony in this column, but this story actually leaves no room for anything other than the soberest approach. It’s undeniable that the Social Justice Priestesses and Priests want to abolish Christians, but more importantly, Christianity. Christianity’s global embrace of humanity— Paul’s words”There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus”—are hate speech to the ears of those who seek to divide and conquer along tribal lines. This coach, an offensive coordinator at Illinois State, had the temerity to take down a BLM sign that was posted on his door. He didn’t like that someone would put a sign up on his door that he hadn’t put up himself. Fair enough, we think. Yet, predictably, before long, the PC vultures descended, and he was forced to quit. But, he left behind a sign of his own on the way out: “All Lives Matter to Our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.” We imagine for that heresy, he’ll be consigned to the ranks of some Christian High School for the balance of his coaching life. BLM, we must regrettably conclude, is the new Gospel.
I used to be a professor; now I’m a mouse.
everyone who teaches knows, the Social Justice Priests and Priestesses have successfully silenced dissenting views in the formerly garrulous halls of Academia. The captains and titans of free speech and free thought are now like mice scurrying into the remotest corners of the ship in fear of getting caught in the social media trap. “Yes, I have tenure, but that doesn’t mean they can’t take away some of my travel money to a conference I intend to attend next Spring !” Hence, they “keep their heads low,” and “their mouths shut,” in fear of retribution, embarrassingly contenting themselves with the crumbs, e.g. occasionally “challenging” students in the classroom to “think more broadly about these matters,” etc. Sometimes to get one’s point through to the larger public requires professors take weird measures. In this depressing case, an alleged UNH professor used a twitter pseudonym and posed as a Woman of Color. S(He) wrote, “I was successful in killing my dept’s woke statement on recent social unrest…“ And “I was successful in removing all woke terminology from the statement including anti-racism, white supremacy, white privilege, and claims of systemic racism. Before attempting a similar feat, it’s important to make sure you know what all these terms really mean.” Naturally, everyone was emotionally torn asunder! We imagine the reply: “If you don’t know what those terms mean then you weren’t listening, or you refuse to understand; in either case, it means then you’re a RACIST. Done!”
In the annals of Social Justice, this may go down as one of the greatest absurdities of that movement’s endless absurdities, a true mind-twister. Princeton University claims it is racist, so naturally the Justice Department want to know just how so that it can decide whether it has broken the law. We suspect, of course, that it doesn’t REALLY believe it was racist against POC, not in the commonsensical use of that term. In fact, as everyone knows, in the commonsensical use of that term Princeton bends over backwards to admit POC. Still, it is racist, per its own admission, in the nonsensical use of the term, otherwise known as “systemic racism.” But there is another layer of absurdity to this psychosis inducing cake. As everyone knows, Princeton, like Harvard and many of the so-called Top Tier schools, is indeed racist, only towards a race, Asians, that is not part of the Social Justice catechism. In Sum: Princeton must deny being Racist towards Asians, though it is in fact racist; must deny it is Racist towards other POC to avoid the DOJ’s wrath; and to placate the Social Justice crowd it must admit it is Racist toward POC “systemically.” All of this dementedness coming from one of our most coveted academic institutions; let it sink in. Source
“My childhood dream was to be black or brown so that I could teach college in Fresno!” We’re beginning to feel bad for all these non-POC grad students whose prospects of getting a teaching position are next to nil. Imagine spending seven or so years of your life getting a Ph.D. only to be consigned to an adjunct position at a community college, preferably close to your parents home, as you’ll definitely need your old bedroom back. Or perhaps we shouldn’t feel bad. Maybe they—how CV Vitolo-Haddad, the subject of this article, prefers to pronoun herself—felt that for how deeply enmeshed they was with the Social Justice Movement they felt they’d receive an indulgence. Can humanities Ph.D. programs produce anything more sickly than they’re currently producing? Wasn’t it once upon a time all about “embracing and accepting” yourself. Them days, let’s here conclude, are finished.
Added commentary by our very own Philalethes
THIS WAY TO THE AUTO DA FÉ, LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND OTHERS.
Turns out some honky professor who calls theirself by the viable pronoun they— so me don’t know whether they is a he she or a it— also claimed they was Black and Cuban while in fact they is Sicilian (with a touch of the Saracen tarbrush in the second muzzle of they’s double-barreled name) but that’s by descent, your doesn’t think they was born in Palermo or in her sea what he is between Scylla and Charybdis which would make zi Aquatic and anyhoo it got outed by a poster what was posted by persons or peoples unknown in Wisconsin where him were supposed to come to the Golden State from, and now Fresno State it has withdrawn a offer zi made to her and said lots of people is traumatized, wounded, depressed, sad, and also unhappy because Mr./Mrs./Dr./Rabbi/Father/Pastor/Imam (just not Prof., so long, sucker) Vitolo/Hadad aren’t what/who it claimed to be & that has really truly upset peoples so much that like they is losing his lunch.
The above paragraph has been patrolled for Gender Neutrality. In keeping with the new Chicago Manual of Style (Not), we have also endeavored to violate the white-privileged rules of grammar. Punctuation seemed inevitable at, well, points, and that may make readers under thirty break down in heartbroken sobs. They are invited to enjoy “therapy” at our petting zoo. The crocodiles are waiting, tears and all.
Gauleiter Noisome in Pimento has dispatched all firepersons involved in mostly peaceful mediation with wildfires to the Scenic Campus to serve as grief counselors. “It’s all because of Global Warming anyhow so why even try to put out the fires. The Donald is to blame,” said Noisome at a press conference, quickly pocketing a handsome wad of yuan. Presidential candidate Bidet when reached for comment said, “Wha? Who?” Then it was time for his nap.
Cistrans student Tukulti Ninurta Washington, who wishes to be identified as Assyrianx, said to this reporter, “Like, I feel microaggressed against.” While being led to the pyre, Vitolo/Hadad said to this reporter, “Sniffle, sniffle. I’m really not Black. I just wanted the other children to like me and share their toys.”
And in the meantime Sicilian spokesmen (yeah, spokesMEN, ya gotta problem widdat?) have promised that a whole lot of liberals will be enjoying fish dinners real soon. Like around early November. Asked what exactly that meant, one of them leaned real close to the microphone and opined, “I don’t know and I don’t wanna know.” Asked if they were aware of Vitolo/Hadad’s whereabouts, they expressed sincere regret that he seemed not to esteem adequately his picturesque southern Italian heritage and said, “Haven’t seen him around. I think he moved to California.” (Verbum sapienti)
“Someone needs firewood this winter!” reads a tweet. “JK’s new book is perfect to burn.”
J.K. Rowling is not the best writer—let’s get that out of the way. Now she has a new book “Troubled Blood,” written under a male pseudonym. It’s probably not that great a read either, but one doubts it deserve to be thrown on a funereal pyre minutes after it’s been born, what some twitter terrorists of the trans-whatever type want to do with it. Rowling’s excommunicable sin: the villain in her novel is a killer who dresses as a woman! (Of course, should it have been be a man dressed as a women, that would’ve been a stroke of genius, as it would reflect the world perfectly per the politically correct catechism). Apparently, we are beyond those halcyon days when we expected a storyteller to take an unexpected turn, those days when a novelists greatest fear was getting “trashed” by reviewers. “The unifying factor between all types of purposeful book-burners in the 20th century is that the perpetrators feel like victims,” Rebecca Knuth, an expert on these matters said. Beware of victims, friends: their hate has no end, and they especially detest the sacred in the face of which they feel more vulnerable than ever.
Please, let me burn myself at the stake! “I cancel myself.” Imagine, hating yourself so much, feeling so rootless and pointless—meaning, without victimhood, even if you are Jewish (maybe the Holocaust wasn’t quite enough?)—that you “channel” Blackness into your very being, so much so that you believe you are Black, talk in a vaguely ghettoish way that Black people are “supposed” to talk; champion the cause of and teach courses on Black culture. That’s exactly what Ms. Krug, a professor, predictably, at GW University stupefyingly did. Until her “act” was found out. This is a case of “cultural appropriation” in extreme, what can only amount to a kind of identity politics psychopathology.
Naturally, Classical Music is Racist Too! Everyone knows that only old white guys—those who still don knit sweaters and slip into suede slippers, have little respect for Gangsta Rap, maybe smoke pipes and drink scotch, live in nice homes and read Proust— listen to classical music, hence, we shouldn’t be surprised that the emerging consensus among the “reimaginers” is imaging a world without Beethhoven or Brahams. The crime here was exposed via Instagram by someone, two years after it had occurred. This anonymous person was “tasked” with driving two outstanding musicians to the airport following a concert. In the course of the drive, the musicians made a disparaging comment about an audience member, whom they referred to as “big momma.” With careers now in the lurch, all those thousands of hours of practice potentially evaporated in a blink, they quite predictably turned penitent, pleaded for a pardon, and just barely, it seems, avoided total plundering of their careers. We can thank NPR for this stunner, which it reports without a hint of irony or shame.
Cooking Cancelled Too?
The prestigious James Beard Award for top chefs crumbled this year under accusations of systemic racism, sexism, general exploitation and bullying of restaurant culture (a la, we imagine, “Hell Kitchen” or “Kitchen Nightmares”). Before they cancelled the awards, they tried numerous ways of amending the election process to stave off the twitter and instagram critics, including asking nominees—against whom some crime was alleged— to voluntarily drop out of the nomination process. Eventually, in utter exhaustion, it appears, the organizers threw in the kitchen towel.
Cat-Nap as Dog Whistle
Professor Patricia Simon, Marymount Manhattan College
Claim: Racism (for allegedly falling asleep during an anti-racism zoom meeting).
Consequence: A petition that garnered 1800 signatures calling for her firing.
Writers “Burn” Their Own Books
Alexandra Duncan, Amélie Wen Zhao, Keira Drake, E. E. Charlton-Trujillo, and Kosoko Jackson
Claim: Racism, Cultural Insensitivity, Violated PC Taboo: “Thou shalt not write from the perspective of anyone other than oneself.”
Duncan retracted book “Ember Days”
Zhao retracted novel “Blood Heir”
Drake retracted “The Continent” (that had the temerity to feature a white girl saving the world from ruin, hence, white privilege)
Kosoko Jackson, an African American and LGBT writer retracted book set in Yugoslavia, hence “cultural insensitivity”
E. E. Charlton-Trujillo retracted novel “When We Were Fierce,” also “cultural insensitivity”
Lawrence Mead, a professor at NYU,
Mead, a leading scholar in welfare reform, wrote a commentary for the Journal Society where he argued that cultural differences lead some cultures to climb out of poverty and others to remained mired in it. He also believes that “assimilation” is necessary for certain groups, like Hispanics, to move up the economic ladder. The commentary has since been retracted and demands for his resignation or firing are ongoing. Take away: the concept of “assimilation” is racist. Source
Mayor of Holyoke, Alex Morse
Using the dating apps Tinder and Grind, Morse, who is gay, hooked up with men who might have been students at Univ. of Mass. Amherst, where he only occasionally taught. No claim is made that he hooked up with his students, just students in general, violating the PC unequal power differential taboo. Morse made no apologies for hooking up, even with 18-year olds, and said, “I want to be very clear about this. I have never, in my entire life, had a non-consensual sexual encounter with anyone. I have never used my position of power as mayor and UMass lecturer for romantic or sexual gain, or to take advantage of students.” An investigation into his “sexual deviancy” is pending (Source) but there is a strong pushback by gay groups, accusing the claimants themselves of a homophobic and politically motivated smear campaign.
Adolph Reed, Black Marxist Scholar
Seventy-three year old Professor Reed, was invited to speak at the Democratic Socialist New York City chapter. His topic was the coronavirus, and its disproportionate toll on poor people. In order reduce this toll, he believed that a multiracial coalition would be effective petitioning for resources. This emphasis on a big-tent approach, raised the ire of the BLM-types, the Afrosocialists and Socialists of Color Caucus. They protested, and characterized Reed as “reactionary, class reductionist and at best, tone deaf.” Rumors began circulating that they were going to crash the zoom-talk, and the talk was cancelled. Source