by John Hirschmann

From: California Schools RRR Project
To: All Public School Teachers Grades 11-12
Level of Attention: Urgent
Date of Proposed Implementation: Immediate

In response to the need for more equitable, diverse, and inclusive math in California schools, the California Schools RRR (Reimagining, Resist, and Reparations) Project has released a few new math word problems. These new math word problems should now be considered the gold standards for formulating such problems for grades 11-12. They represent a critical distancing from traditional math, which, up until this moment, has been rife with “white supremacist” assumptions, ever since the founding of “America” in 1619. 

Note: State Funding beginning in Fall, 2021, will be contingent upon full adoption of these new principles of math learning.

Lena’s Tax or Wax? 

Lena, husband, Zaven, have the big heart-attack, die. Camel smoke and vodka drink too much, doctor say. May his soul it rest in the peace.  Now, Lena get it the Social Security Zaven $1200 month, no tax. The Lena have it two boy, one girl. The WIC food stamp get it $300 month, each children. No tax it that. The boy, Harout, 17, so smart he.  He do this that, maybe laundry money Armenian Mafia “drugstore business,” so-call. Anyway, he make it $1000, cash, table under, American say. The Section 8 housing Hollywood pay big piece the rent, Lena only pay it $100. If IRS take it 20 percent tax Lena the year, how much Lena have left money end the year? 

And right wrong answer, I don’t know what, is: 

A. Not enough the Armenian Genocide reparation 
B. More than enough do the body wax two times the month
C. Nothing—just like what she pay it Soviet Union 
D. Enough the money two times year Lena make it the Las Vegas trip play it the slots 

Zahzizi’s Coke

Zahzizi buy his ass a kilo o’ cocaine. He step on dat shit wif baby powda makin’ 2 n half times wha’ he hads. Now he get five 12 year old lil niggas ta workin’ wif him sellin’ da shit n shit. Dey bags da shit inta gram bags. Dey is makin’ 5 bucks off each bag dey sells fo’ $120. How much Zahzizi’s ass gon make after dey be sol’ out? Wait, hold on now! One o’ dem 5 lil niggas be his nephew Trayquon. Trayquon’s ass gettin’ $7 per bag n he sells 20%  o’ da shit. Well awright den, what da final scratch Zahzizi’s ass gon gets?

And da mu’tipa choice ansahs to da word pro’lem be:

A. $1,000,000
B. $1,000
C. Ain’t gon make shit
D. Gon makes bank!!

Jose and Maria Babies

Jose love Maria and dey want da mucho, mucho ninos. Jose make promise Maria dey make always new baby; so andale, right away he make her da new pregnant, until she can make a da no more. Jose and da Maria is both just make 15 birthday.  If dey make da baby every 9 month (and Maria blessed by da Blessed Virgin with da twin 3 times—but one baby killed MS-13 drive-by, cavrone!) how many baby dey have alive by time Maria 45?

And da multiple choosing answer to da historia de matematicas is:

A. 42
B. 42
C. 42
D. 42

Nim Nim Boom Boom Cut Cut

Nim Nim come U.S. after make be boom boom girl in Cambodia. Nim Nim make save save two tousand dollah and buy plane flight eight hundud dollah. She start in Long Beach charge one hundud dollah per mistah make boom boom on her. She meet tree (3) mistah puh day on da avage. She buy buy total one year twuny tousand for make live live. Nim Nim den buy buy Lexus for fifty tousand dollah but spend five tousand more more get eeeeevyting extra. Den she pay pay twuny tousand for cut cut nature’s looooong mistake, make sex change operate. How much dollah Nim Nim have left total one year?

And da many many choice choice to math math story:

A. Impossible for make tell tell
B. Who care care now Nim Nim have Lexus?
C. What if new hole hole get infect and Nim Nim make spend more more for doctor?
D. You not make tell tell if dis was leap year.